; zai yi ci yong you

Too tired to function. I can barely peel my eyes open and drag myself off the bed this morning. I haven't attended class both today and yesterday.. ): This is bad. Bad bad.

Y'know, why should I let the absence of merely ONE PERSON affect the highs and lows of my life so much? I'm so better than that. My cousin didn't suggest the name of Jovina for nothing. Hehehe okay now that sounds supremely cocky.

Meeting my girls later at J8 for some reason or other, then IceCube tonight. Time for a little sinful indulgences.. YUMMY. I'm so gonna puppy-eye Sis into treating me cos I only have a very miserable $15 ): I swear my smoking habit is burning a huge hole in my near-empty pockets. And Michie and I have sworn to take the train today. There and back, yes! See, a trip to the north will probably be $20. And back will be ANOTHER $20. Which makes 40. And we only get $15 a day so that's.. all the allowance PLUS SOMEMORE. Why am I always rich somehow on the weekends, but on weekdays, it's a different story altogether?

. Yes. Seriously. This is SO WEIRD. How come!!! Oh and that reminds me. Collect money for Ezlink aka Get money for fags. HEHEHEHE.

I'm such a nasty conniving little liar sometimes. I should just burn in hell.

The Xian has announced his need for sometime to settle some.. matters. Apparently, I'm not trustworthy enough for him to share with me what they are, but well. Like I said, it's up to you.

Ah! Before I forget, something VERY pleasingly suprising has happened. Most unexpected, but very welcomed. It's a bright spot in my otherwise hideous existence. Hey wait. What hideous existence. -_- I'm sorry, the dark kid has been used to phrasing her words like that.

I'M HAPPY AND CONTENTED WITH LIFE. If I chant this about 55 times I might actually believe in it.

; lost, broken, confused

If I play my cards right, perhaps everything will turn out bright.

The irony of cautious steps, bold gestures.

Walking on broken glass, playing with fire.

It might save me, but it might also ruin me.


Yes yes, and I love you sis. (:

And Michie.

And everybody esle.

; i believe

Why are you guys pushing me?

I am NOT over him. Okay?

Wish someone's here to listen to my whinings, my uncertainties and doubts. But Michie's having school, and besides, I don't wanna worry her. She has enough problems on her own. But I do need someone non-judgemental and trustworthy to confide in.

One thing I really have to stress on, I hate having to account to anyone for my actions. I do know what I'm doing.

And something esle that sucks is that I can't release it here. Sensitive issues, and if it falls into the wrong eyes, shit might just happen again.

; bittter disappointment

FUCK THE WORLD. FUCK THE WORLD. FUCK THE WORLD.

DON'T FUCKING TALK TO ME FOR THE WHOLE DAY. I SWEAR.

FUCK THE WORLD FUCK ITALIANS FUCK THE WORLD.

; an unexpected conversation

l. says:
so my advice to you is, think thoroughly if it's what you want. if it is, your instincts will tell you what you can do right.

jov says:
it is what i want, but the external factors are getting to me.
friends to choose from but he's what i want.
but he's being superbly nasty.
):
PAINFUL.

l. says:
ha.
nasty? it's just a sign that he's unsure.
either he's unsure, or he just plain doesn't like you.
or, he's so hurt that he doesn't care anymore.
hate is a strong word.
you don't hate somenoe, yuo hate life.
but it is impossible to dislike someone you once loved.
slowly find your way back into his heart. it isn't black, it isn't closed. you just need the right touch and patience.
love comes with devotion and patience.
don't expect him to jump right back into loving you again right after the chain of events that led up to the situation now.

jov:
i just want his friendship.
is it too much to ask?
i just hope he'll stop bitching about me to his friends.

l. says:
friendship is too much to ask for when you betrayed it once.
it shouldn't affect you when it isn't true.
so unless it's true, you shouldn't even care.

jov:
the one wrong i did was to stand him up on a date.
his reaction is so extreme.
and he only told me he was jealous at the end of the day.
what's the point.

l. says:
i didn't tell you this.
but *, is one of the most sensitive guys i know.
so stand him up on a date is equivilant to a stab in the back and front.
i'll take leave. you should really think abuot what you did, and see what you can do to make things right.

; world cup fever

OH COME ON YOU FRENCH!

LET ZIDANE RETIRE IN GLORY!

GO GO GO MY HERO!

; my humps

Well, the sad news is that my comp is down. No more Msn-ing, blogging, and o2jamming for at least a period of time at least. But the good news is, maybe I'll finally settle down with my books minus all these distractions.

Josh's friend Leo gave a really interesting comment. "You blog so much. You're like a ChannelNewsAsia Reporter. So cute." LOL. Amusing, really (:

You know what? If I could have one wish it'll be simple. And no I'm not like the CHILDISH MR SPUNKAY who goes "I'll wish for more wishes!" I'll just want to turn back time to that day. 23rd May. I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life when I played you out. I didn't realise it affected you so much. I'm sorry, and I want you to know that I would give up my world just to watch Poseidon with you this time. I was just too engrossed in pool with Mich, the bastard and his best friend.My bad and if only I could make it up to you. To be friends.. is it still possible?

I might move on, I might even fall in love and find happiness with someone new, but you'll always be first place in my heart. (:

; ghost of you

i love myself. today, i went to eat maggi mee. yummy!! -erik

o.o Woke up to an uberuberuber nice surprise.

Don't ask. ;D

; only one

Well. I just lost a mullun dollars.

Emo 6271989 years.

But it doesn't compare with the pain of thinking of you, of missing you every waking moment.

Fiak la. It's my blog and I can't even write my bloody feelings into it? I can't put names to the people I'm talking about? damn you guys.

I MISS HIM YEAH. SO? GOT A FUCKING ISSUE?

Fuck the world.

; hey there delilah

GO GO PORTUGAL!

Make those bloody Germans weep as they step into the gas chambers from Hitler's times.. LOL

I was right in my apprehension of towning today.

Was with Mich, Sis, Jena, Leon, Calv until the last four went off for a Mahjong session.

Saw more than a few people I wouldn't want to see if you paid me a 100 dollars. But then I saw people I've missed out on for a long time too. Lei, Nataphack, Salim, Josh, Marleen, Shermin, Meijuan, Jiayi, Bart, Justin, Crystal, Amanta, L** and who have I missed?

Lol. I was hearing "Jovina!"s everywhere. So many different cliques. Sigh...


And now I feel like I've misjudged you all along. I miss you.

; i'll take the tears

Don't speak, seal your lips, please don't say a word. Maybe I won't remember, the words I have not heard. I see that you're in love, I know it's not with me. But I don't want the truth to haunt my memory.

It's never too late to relight the fire, it never stopped burning for me. The flame it never died inside of me.

How is it now that I can tell you I love you? How is it only now that it's too late? What can I do, the love that we had is torn in two. So you take the smiles, from all of our years, I'll take the tears.

I sit and reminisce of times that we once shared. You gave me more than love, but never thought I cared. My feelings were all for you, although it did not show. I only told you on the day you let me go.

Now I realise that you're no longer mine. But I'm hoping the pain will heal in time. Although you're leaving, I won't say goodbye. Cos I know you're here, here with me inside..

; have you ever really loved a woman

Aight, I'm supposed to be out shopping/ktv-ing with the girls, BUT nobody's texted or called me yet. I swear they're probably sleeping like pigs. -.- To think they were having fun teasing me and everything. Saying I WAS THE ONE WHO WOULDN'T WAKE UP UNTIL LATE EVENING. Take this suckers! Ahahaha.

Chain smoking cos there's nothing esle to do. :(

Lonely, I am so lonely, I've got nobody of my OWN!

Hmm. Sometimes I wonder how people perceived me. A smiley, I'm-so-happy-cos-life-is-going-so-well-for-me Miss Popularity? A laid back, just-let-me-smoke-my-life-away slacker? Or an aloof ice queen which I can be when the mood hits me? How many people will actually know that I've been surviving thanks to anti-depressants for the past two months? That I'm the original EmoKid who has terrible mood swings?

Sigh. Worried actually. I've decided to stop my consumption on anti-depressants without seeking the doctor's advice, I don't wanna get addicted or over-reliant on them. But without control of my moods.. So, it's up to my happy drugs(all you guys) to keep me smiling!

; you light up my life

Having always been the spoilt brat of the people and the princess of the house, it never fails to astonish me the extent of which I pamper that girl. Skipping a movie I paid DOUBLE-PRICE for just to make sure she's okay. Mm. She's like the sister I never had. It is not unusual for me to feel unselfishly and tenderly towards another, but the pain I felt and the tears that fell when I saw the slits of love on her wrists, this really eats the cake.

Am I leading him on? Or them on for that matter? It's a question I'm afraid I don't have an answer to. One thing I do know, friendships must not be risked. I've learnt my lesson. And a bitter one it was. I lost the one person I never thought will go away.

And you, you made me feel like I never should have loved you. Or have I, was it all in my mind?

I can't be sure, but I do realise how much I'm missing you.

Occasionally, a tiny piece of my heart breaks when you come to mind.

Wish I can put your name here and proclaim you to the world, but.. You know who you are and that's enough for now.

; promise

What would you say if I asked you not to go? To forget everyone forget everything, start over with me. Would you take my hand and never let me go? Promise me you'll never let me go.

And the stars aren't out tonight, but neither are we here to look up at them. Why does hello feel like goodbye? These memories can't replace, these wishes I wished and dreams I chased. Take this broken heart and make it right.

I feel like I lost everything when you're gone, left remembering what it's like to have you here with me, I thought you should know you're not making this easy.

I'd never thought I'll be the one to say, please don't, please don't leave me.

Take my hand and never let me go. Promise me you'll never let go.

Make this last forever..

So fall asleep tonight, cos that brings me closer to you.

; romantic lyrics

I chanced upon Romantic-Lyrics.com and I saw lists and lists of Love Songs.

So yes, MASS DOWNLOAD. All those pretty pretty lyrics I wanna share with you guys. Don't mind me if I flood.

It's MY blog. My right! (:

if i'm not in love with you

If I'm not in love with you, what is this I'm going through tonight?

And if my heart is lying then, what should I believe in? Why do I go crazy everytime I think about you baby? Why esle do I want you like I do if I'm not in love with you?

And if I don't need your touch, why do I miss you so much tonight?

If it's just infatuation then, why is my heart aching to hold you forever, give a part of me I thought I'll never give again to someone I could lose, if I'm not in love with you?

Why in every fantasy do I feel your arms embracing me, lovers lost in sweet desire. Why in dreams do I surrender, lying with you baby? Someone help explain this feeling, someone tell me.

; when there was me and you

For now, I reserve judgement.

I believe in you, I believe you're still the Win I knew and loved.

; miracle

Sometimes it's the simple things in life that keeps me smiling. (:

Skipping school after morning class and heading to Husby's house.
Meeting Erik for lunch, falling asleep in the attic after reading Frankenstein.
Bantering with Xian and disturbing the dogs.
Watching Sis Calv Husby playing pool.
Using Husby's phone as a mic and recording my own singing.
Enjoying Sis and Calv's free public show. LOL. (remind me to post the video up)
Listening to Adi and Cassian's commentary on WorldCup.

If only it's so easy to get through every single day.


Hearing such comments about his personality from his friends really suprised me. And not in a positive way. I've always thought he was all goodness underneath his grouchy facade. Perhaps I was wrong. Have I loved a scheming manipulator?

; lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off

I should stop reading blogs of people I'm not even acquainted with.

Maybe I'm just plain KPO, but I can't help a certain level of protectiveness towards that happy little girl. Because my close friend and myself were both previously in her shoes, and I don't want any other female to fall into that Venus flytrap again. I wish I can warn her that her bliss is but short lived, but I don't wanna risk anymore conflicts with anyone. Is it worth it for a stranger who will most probably doubt my words?

Instead, I should think it this way. Perhaps the Almight above wants her to learn a valuable lesson in love. And face it, even if she gets her heart bruised, battered or worst broken, it's none of my business, right?

I'm going over to my Husby's house now. Poor man has a fever ): Catch you guys later.

; from the heart

So so so, GUESS WHO'S BACK!

Here I am!

The very-short term hiatus has done me good. I've returned with issues mostly settled, and am now a happy girl at peace with the world! -dances*

So many new philosophies and insights I've gained, in retrospect, Miss Emo seems so far away even though she was here only yesterday.

And this goes out to the most important friends in my life, this very moment.

Not in order la! Here goes:


Michie (:
Thanks for standing by me through everything, the sun and the rain, the most bitter storms and now the radiant rainbow! For some God-can-probably-explain reason, you've been through many experiences similar to mine, and that might be why you can understand what I'm going through, how I'm feeling so precisely, with no judgement, and that means so much to me. I LOVE YOU BABE.


Husby (:
It all started with "Want you to know that, I miss you, I miss you so!" You've been by my side, a pillar of support all these years, and even more so now, since we started hanging out. I know the one single person I can count on whenever I need a hug and a listening ear. Or a free punching bag. :x You know you love me anyway. What can I say, what will I do without you my husband! I'm glad I've married the RIGHT man! *hugs from the wife.


Wanwin (:
Thank you for everything. Give us time. The negativity will subside. This bond will overcome everything. Believe me, Bim1 & Bo2, nothing breaks us apart. There's not a thing we can't work out. You mean so much to me. My Sis, and nothing can change that. Just like those identical black rose tattoos that are permanently marked on our bodies, since 07/06/06. You'll always be a part of me. Know that I love you so much.


Xian <3
I don't know what the future holds for us, but it's looking good, at least, I hope! -fingers crossed*. Your genuine concern and sweet, sweet affections have over time, melted and mended this broken heart of mine. Slowly but surely, and steadily. When I thought I lost you, my world came crashing, and that's when I realised, you're beginning to matter to me in ways I never imagined possible. Like you said, I'll have to sort out my emotions before making any decision, but I think I might be ready to take a chance to recognise the happiness that can be mine.

A chance with you.